As a man aspiring to get good with women, I have struggled the major part of the last decade trying to solve the issue of consent in sex.
Sadly, I have not yet come to a solidified conclusion.
This issue is especially relevant in India, where any form of sexual desire is publicly shamed to no end. Friends in the US tell me they perceive the problem to be an even greater one in the West right now, with anti-rape laws clearly favouring a woman’s version of how an event transpired.
I will not comment on the state of affairs abroad, but I will state my present beliefs on the topic as regards India:
If you think you’ll be able to explicitly get a woman to say “yes” to the question “Do you want to have sex?”, you are in for a world of pain.
So, undoubtedly, a man in this country must escalate physically on the woman without asking her for explicit permission.
The difficult grey area that arises then is what value to attach to her “No”.
It’s a common joke among my friends that ‘No’ means ‘Not yet’. A cruder joke is also often borrowed from a US college campus incident which made the phrase “No means yes, yes means anal” popular.
I don’t think it’s too far from the truth though. If I had a dollar for every time an Indian girl said no to me….
Met girl at HKV. She would come home, we would go at it the entire night, me trying, on top of her, and her twisting and turning around saying no to sex. Then she’d give me a blowjob and leave. And come back again the next night for another round of ‘no no no.’ She then texted me that “Whenever we wrestle, you always lose.” Four consecutive nights and I was able to finally stick it in.
Met a girl at Connaught Place. Took her home after a date the next day. Two hours of no, and then she says “You’re scaring me now.” I quietly got up and wore my clothes. Dropped her off and didn’t pick her calls for a week. Upon constant begging, I finally replied, got her back home again. Again, an hour of no. This time, a little more persistence, and I got to it. Afterwards, she jokes about how Amitabh Bachchan in the movie Pink is “so right when he says it: When will men learn? No means no. ” I got so pissed off I could slap the shit out of her. When I confronted her with what she had done herself, this was the explanation:
“Haan but of course there are two kinds of no. One is a straight up no, and the other is a whiny kind of mild resistance no….Of course it is your responsibility to figure out which kind of no it is….In our case? You know, it was more like a yes disguised as a no.”
Straight up lesson: Do not listen to women about the definition of consent. It will have to be your judgment.
If it feels rapey, stop and just wear your clothes. Play nonchalant for a little while (Note: Do not be visibly pissed). Then go back at it again. Ideally she’ll understand that you mean business, and if she really doesn’t want to have sex, she’ll leave.
However, there are two things I nowadays do which almost guarantee the elimination of the consent issue:
- Never seduce her inebriated– She should be absolutely sober. Don’t touch a sip yourself, nor offer her any. I think drinking together is a great way to build comfort, but if you’ve had any that day, don’t make a move on her. A recent tinder match came out to meet me within 3 hours. I spent Rs. 1000 on beer and food with her. She resists my advances and tells me she’s slept with three different guys the past three nights. I wondered whether I should be worried about all her possible STDs, or offended that after three guys the one she had to put a brake at had to be me. Despite my best efforts, sex didn’t happen. The next night, I drove her to India Gate, bought mughlai food, and we had it at my place. I didn’t even try to make a move. No alcohol at all. She jumped on me and fucked me for the whole night. Later she appreciated the fact that we didn’t fuck drunk, like she otherwise always does, and that’s why felt that there was actually a connection between the two of us.
- Always record the audio– Cell phone audio recorders are ‘chutia’. They will automatically switch off when you play music, which I always do. Also when you receive a call. I bought myself a nice little recorder for Rs. 1800. Lasts several hours. It’s the ultimate failsafe for one of those days where you just chanced upon a skanky ghetto ho who’s out to wreck some havoc. False rape charges, blackmail, guilt trips. You name it. With audio, you get to nip it straight in the bud. And then stick it straight in her butt. Hell, I even record all my approaches. I sometimes use them for feedback as well.
Disclaimer: Do all the above at your own risk. I know a lot of guys who have got into trouble. Anti-rape laws in India are absolutely nuts:
- If she says she had sex with you on a false promise of marriage, it amounts to rape.
- If it is proved you two had sex, and she says you forced it, rape will be presumed until you show evidence that it was in fact consensual.
- Her sexual history cannot be questioned. Even if she has a gaping hole the size of ‘Uranus’, and fucked a 1000 guys, the one she screamed out rape on will be the one who did it without her consent. Hell, even if she says she earlier did consent, but on a later occasion he forced it, well, rape. Now read Point 2 again, and understand how these two things together can really become a bitch.
Therefore, another thing to do, to complete the holy trifecta:
Never ditch a woman pissed.
‘Coz Hell Hath No Fury…